Make This My Mission.

It was over 3 years ago (December 2010) and I remember the day like it happened this morning. The day Claren, the 3rd Deavours girl, lay upright on my leg that was crossed over my other as I sat at the desk working on my lap top. I swayed her back and forth. She was eight weeks old. I had a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Between me and the 3 girls at least one person had been sick for 5 solid weeks. I was in a co-existing state of exhaustion and bliss. It was extremely challenging but I liked the force of change it created in my life, heart and reliance on the Lord. Selflessness took on a whole new meaning for me---there was truly no more "self" left in me! There were a million things that could have been at the forefront of my desire: Sleep.  A moment of peace and quiet.  Children that could feed and wipe their own butts. A vacation. A housekeeper. Adopting a baby doesn't seem to fit in that list, but that was the only thing on my mind. As I held my newborn baby and marveled at the miracle, an ache took over the depth of my heart: there are babies that never have the opportunity to be cradled and adored. And, then I knew: I was going to find such baby and smother it with the desire of being wanted, pursued and chosen. 

There was, however, an interesting catalyst to this moment. It was a resolve.  A "motherlution"  (that's a resolution of motherhood) I say. I had reached "that point". It was done. I could no longer resist the force that my life had been taken over completely by the minivan and it's loud, demanding inhabitants. There was barely any "me" left. I was a straight up mom. My dream of having a house full of children and the reality of that house full of children collided. It would be my life, contain my life and be the passion of my life. The sacrifice and the journey would not have an ending point. I realized this journey would ebb and flow with joys and struggles that would grow as big as the children. (Little children = little problems. Big children = big problems.) I fully identified that my purpose on this earth and our purpose as parents and a family were to create a home and life nurtured and nourished with a passion and love for our Savior. Our house would be full of kids: some from our flesh, one (some?) from our heart. I knew that bringing children into our home: infancy, toddlerhood, potty training ... would not be ending anytime soon. Our hearts and our home are open to whoever the Lord wants to make into the Deavours Family. And in the overwhelming physical demands of the season I was in I sincerely prayed for GOD to Make This My Mission. Because it is in His strength alone that the Mission is even possible. Here is a copy of the post I began on this blog three years ago: 

Today it's official. I begin writing the journey to bringing my child home. Although conceived outside of my own womb, created by the same God.  Although sheltered, homeless. Although cared for, parentless. Although fed, malnourished. Although a child, an orphan. Although given away, chosen. 
I can't tell you all the details of this new beginning. Unfortunately, God began TRULY speaking to my heart at a time that my brain couldn't comprehend the details. So, now I write. And wait.
"We'll adopt one day" has sort of been a phrase of ours. A little more of a reality to Bray than me. {He hasn't been the one physically enduring morning sickness, body enlargement, c-sections and 12 months of breastfeeding over the past 4 years.} So, as he became a little more serious about it during pregnancy with Claren I felt myself in resistance. I couldn't imagine any more than what we have going on! Especially as it related to rearing little sinners.
But, you know how God works. The areas in my life that reflect the largest amount of stretching and sanctification are the areas that I put up the largest force of resistance. So, there you have it.

A lot has happened since then...we have had another child and he is now 19 months old. It was a brutal pregnancy and traumatic birth and couple weeks following. It took a year to unfold how much it had truly drained every aspect of my life. During his infancy we began discussing the reality and timeline of actually adopting a child and it hit me hard: although I was committed to the spiritual relevance and act of adoption, I was not in the place where I wanted another child anymore. Ever. Odd, huh? It's all I've ever wanted...I specifically told Bray: "I can't mother another child on the spiritual component of giving an orphan a home: I have to want another child." So in January of 2013 I made a commitment to seek the Lord in prayer and petition to change my heart or to change Bray's because maybe God wasn't in fact going to increase our family. Newsflash: I wasn't as good at this motherhood thing as I thought I was going to be! It didn't take long for the Holy Spirit to stir a passion, ache, desire, dream, yearning and intense longing for my next baby. Hashtag: Bray won! Well, we both won! The desire at times is so overwhelming I find myself crying to the Lord to bring "him" to us because the ache of waiting and not knowing and not having is unbearable. It makes no sense to the natural mind or even to people who haven't experienced this calling. But I assure you it is real and it is from God. Over the past year, He has revealed to me over and over in scripture and confirmed this calling, desire and plan. If not for God's work in my life for this, I can assure you, I would not actively choose to lie awake at night praying for our birth mom and crying for God to wrap His arms of love around our boy.